Wakey wakey eggs and bakey! It’s Monday morning, sunshine, and you just awoke to a glorious eight hours of headache and nausea fit for a woman with a boatload of last month’s weekend regret…
…but in all seriousness — this St. Patty’s Day weekend was #fiah, you say.
I know, I know…those are the best days of our lives. But by now you’re all like “#OMG #FRT how am I going to get through this week’s #ManCrushMonday when I can’t even see straight let alone decide between Ryan Gosling and post- Parks & Rec’s Chris Pratt! Not to mention I totally have a legit eight hours of indentured servitude awaiting me in the next forty-five minutes.”
The bad news is…yes…yes you do…but in your defense — those dollar store shamrock necklaces the bartenders were giving out weren’t very well going to drink themselves onto your neck now were they!? (Point. Made).
…and to be honest with you, post- Parks & Rec’s Chris Pratt’s new Guardians of the Galaxy bod is so four alarm fire that Gosling’s brooding doldrums don’t even come close.
Now, I know what you’re thinking…
So suck it up buttercup.
Here’s my top favorite answers to homeopathic hangover remedies to compensate for your weekend of debauchery. You naughty little minx, you.
1 Hot sauce (and other things)
We’ve read several people pushing the hot sauce remedy . The trick is to drink about at least a half of a bottle of Louisiana Hot Sauce. It doesn’t matter what type of cup you use. Your mouth will be so flaming hot that you will completely forget that you have a headache.
OR — there’s the alternative we like to coin the “Hangover Champion’s Guide to Ruling the World”. Put a raw egg in a glass and add a few dashes of hot sauce, vinegar, Worcestershire sauce. Salt and pepper to taste. Just kidding — but really, add the salt and pepper (just not “to taste” — because we’re pretty certain it tastes like death).
2 Dame Mas Gasoliiiiinaaaa
In 1921, John Goodgame, a waiter from Detroit reported that he had “known people who said the smell of gasoline will cure you. Just breathe the fumes- as much as you can take.”
Sounds about right John Goodgame. Sounds about right.
Get all Ted Striker on it! According to BBC, some Native American cultures believe that you should go for a run and work up a sweat. But they don’t just stop there. They then advise that the individual in need proceed to imbibe their own perspiration. Apparently this works. I see no problems here.
4 Sleeping it off (my personal favorite)
Lost a lot of beauty sleep? Just casually walk to the back of the supply room closet and tuck your way into a little crawl space to gain back a few hours of Zzz. Let’s be real, the only thing that is going to suffer is your Instagram conversion rate.
You know good and well you’re really only putting in a solid maybe 3-4 hours of real, legitimate Rihanna (work, work, work, work, work).Shhh…quiet…no one will notice…Your boss is too busy calling in her fifth customer service complaint to Amex anyways (true story).
5 The Almighty Meat
MEAT! Head to an all-day buffet for lunch and a down a whole bunch of meat in one sitting. My favorite hangover spot? Kabob Palace in Crystal City. The MECCA of hangover beef.
6 Bury Your Body in Wet River Sand
Irish legend says that burying yourself in wet sand is the cure to beat your weekend regret. So if you know that you’ll be heading out yet again this evening for a little “hair of the dog” (wink, wink) then just go ahead and dig yourself a little backyard ditch in preparation for your return. I see nothing going wrong with this.